My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
couldn’t resist
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?