The struggle is real
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You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain