listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
You Might Also Like
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Steam Forums