Money is the root of all wealth
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Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
We all have our pet causes.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!