NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats