Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
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Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
this is literally a CIA plant
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Doggies just call it style.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth