You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
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When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck