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by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.