Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah