-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Girl, same.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Grandmother clock.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”