‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!