“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.