COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
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Me: Same
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Note to self: I am a note
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”