ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
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me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If only