[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?