Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
<—- homeless romantic
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf