Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
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who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Me recordaron éste meme
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.