[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Haha good job!!
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
…u ok Nintendo?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.