CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
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Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop