(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Why I divorced her.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
🤣😈🤣
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty