Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
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The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!