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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.