Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.