I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?