*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
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Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out