I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house