*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
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There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Natty or not?