GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I’m pretty like a car crash.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings