[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…