Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.