Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
There is wisdom there.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Not all heroes wear capes…
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Love is always patient and kind.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.