Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Perfect
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED