Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Not my job 😂
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Going to church you guys need anything