Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
sensitive skin
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true