Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t