Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.