In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.