bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
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DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
when someone rings the doorbell
We’ve come full circle
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
this is the greatest thing ever
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.