my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.