Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.