“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I’m sure it’s fine.