I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
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I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Great Canadian literature.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.