Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
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Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?