Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Hot hot hot 🥵
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy