WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
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I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌