Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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hey, alexa
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
But wait…
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?