Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.