RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.