How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
gm
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it