911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
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If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.